Jun 1 01:39:36 1991 from Unicorn C'mon DJ, don't you know anything. Everything is related. If you go to a German restaurant and order bratwurst with a side order of farvegnugen and yak's breath, not only will they look at you funny, but they'll stuff shmeeps up your nose and try to expose you to the Great American Intergalactic Space Fnords. Then you'll have to listen to Englebert Humperdinck albums over and over, until you learn how to correctly fold your toilet paper. If you're lucky, they'll let you remove Vanna White's eyebrows with an SOS pad. For free. That's where the valuefest part comes in. Most people would pay good money for you to do that. Some smart folks might even videotape it and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. But you'd be lucky, you would. It's what we call the theory of relativity. Everything is related. This post you're reading now is another example. It seeks to answer questions that get burped up from the backwater and shadowy reaches of the vortex. Sick puppies of the world unite. Is this all it comes down to? How do I go about getting an exorcism? Can I buy a vowel? It's not what you say but how you say it, and how much you're paid to do so. Logging on boards in the wee hours of the morning is fun. That's when all the horrible chaotic sludge gets belched up into your mind from the Uncertain Areas. They say you use only 10% of your brain. You gotta wonder what's lurking in the 90% that isn't being used. Why not find out? It's easy, and fun. Y'know, it's really humid tonight. There's a thin coating of slime all over everything I touch. I'm in the basement right now, sitting here in my underwear thinking talk is cheap at 300 baud. That's what I'm stuck with, ya know, because I get too much gibberish and big yawps when I dial in at 1200. Nasty stuff. Anyway, I've got this slime, y'see, and it's just everywhere. There's some really nasty stuff near the garage, though. Residue, all over the floor, from the time my 1980 Plymouth Arrow blew itself up. I haven't gotten around to cleaning it yet, because I never have time to do stupid things that need to be done. What I'd really like to have time for is devoting my life to creating entropy and chaos. I'd like to be High Priest of Latex. That would be fun. I'd like to meet Gobi, Goddess of Upstate New York, because she's really wild. There's a lotta cool people in my letterbox. I'll have to meet them all someday. It's a shame, you know. Some people are afraid to meet me. Some people and their silly expectations, you know? They called me mad back at the academy. I'll show them though. Them and their simpleminded conformity, snorting yak dung as they spew their bigotry and hatred like great smoldering globs of hell-phlegm. I stopped being prejudiced when I realized you miss out on meeting a lot of really cool people if you have these uninformed ideas about them. I love my ability to annoy the blithering melonheads, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to help them, either. Chaos makes the world go 'round. Fun fun fun. I haven't eaten in a while. I do some pretty wild things when I'm hungry. Like chaos art. That's wild. Damn it's hot down here. Fuck this. It's 1:25 in the morning. I don't need clothes right now. Hold on a sec. Ah. Much better. Where was I? Ah, yes. I was right here, on Uncensored, totally naked. I wonder if you can be arrested for being totally naked in Cyberspace? Fuck it. There's no dress code. That's the nice part about the final frontier, people can't judge you by how you look or what color you are or any other superficial B.S. like that. Of course, that always makes things interesting when you finally get to meet these folks. I mean, you could meet someone in Cyberspace and form an idea that they're, say, a graham cracker. But when you finally meet them offline you stand a chance of being totally blown away because they don't resemble the mental picture you have of them. Or maybe they do. Who knows? I do, yes. But alas, some people never will. Too bad. Now I'm scratching my bare feet and enjoying every minute of it, as per Wonko's suggestion. Hmmmmm... this is neat. I should do this more often. I've been hopping around the local boards since, oh, 1985 I think. The first folks I got to meet were from the now-defunct Melnibonean Council. A partying crowd, they were. We got together for a few drinks at Rockwood. I've met lots of users since then. Most have gone off to college now, though. It was fun back then. Hell, it still is fun. I love the alternative media. I think one of the neatest things about boards is the generally uncensored opinions you're able to get. Unrestricted, for the most part, with the exception of some boards that won't allow fucking profanity. Well, it's 1:42. I suppose I'll get some rest now. Tomorrow's my day off. I'll be doing some more hiking and picture taking to prepare for the Celebration of Grunginess. It'll be the cows, man. Scary, too. Lots of sludge and other horrors. It's an adventure though. Latex and good friends. You can't ask for much more than that. -Peace, chaos, grins... Unicorn ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jan 17 17:02:01 1992 from Ford II Joss: If you can still find it, and look closely, you'll see it said "Jossalyn ("... It used to say "Jossalyn (?)" but I accidently backed up over the "?)" so it sorta went away. I knew I spelt it wrong, and thought, just so you wouldn't have to comment about it, I'd do that, but alas the rather insignifgant missspelling of your name (and many other words I type too quick) has been blown way out of proportion and should now be discussed in length. Ford, how long have you been mispelling words and names? "Well, actually. I never learned to write very well, so I figured it was right in synch, that I should not be able to spell very well. Alas, it wouln't look quite correct, if I had bad handwriting, but good spelling and grammar." So basically, you tuned down so you could even out. "Actually, no. I just am stupid. I have a tested I.Q. of 87. That makes be borderline retarted. Some people say that can't be true, some people think I'm dummer, some people think I'm just wierd, while others believe I'm really smart and was intelligent enough to fuck up on my I.Q. test on purpose so they wouldn't put me in honor courses and expect me to be a child prodigy, so I could have a normal life. " But you don't really lead a normal life do you? "Every once in a while, I do, but personally, I find the curious odd, and the odd curious. I find People who work in video stored generally have more interesting personalities that everybody else, and I could really give a shit less who runs for president, because in all truth, there's nothing I can do about it" Well, I'm running short of time, and It was nice chatting with you Ford, I must ask you some time where you got your name from. Anyway, on our show next week, we will be interviewing Stolen Yaks, and get their view on what it's like to be liberated for the first time. Join us then. "Fuck you very much." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mar 17 23:38:54 1992 from The Marquis de Sade Can I have my dead-animal burger rare, almost raw, with an extra helping of cooked sliced pig fat on the side, please? Animal rights? They have the right to be breakfast, lunch, or dinner... If I'm in a really good mood then sometimes I let them pick which meal they wanna comprise... Sade ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Apr 1 00:54:06 1992 from cyclops O.k. Groo try this one- What's black, white and red all over and has trouble going through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jul 28 01:39:03 1992 from The Marquis de Sade The gig may be up for your faithful, Reverend... They might just not of had the guts to the show their mugs at the meeting. Maybe you scared 'em off? Things got a little to serious for a while?!? That was a fun meeting... I especially enjoyed zoning out by the parking lot, waiting for Xak. And special olympics frisbee, of course... And super-mutant areo-bee... Brian Oblivion is a cool handle... But you already knew that. Sade ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aug 6 22:52:50 1992 from Spell Binder @uncnsrd Alert! Emergency! All personnel must ........ Friggin' alarm system! The World's End. "Five days-" said the Lord Almighty (praise be his name) "-until the great flood of plaid Jell-O shall encompass the Earth. And all those without spoons shall perish amongst the lime and cherry madness that will follow" - Book of Binder 12:69 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Oct 9 17:01:41 1992 from michael foran in Lobby> He's got a car bomb. He puts the key in the ignition and turns it-the car blows up. He gets out. He opens the hood and makes a cursory inspection. He closes the hood and gets back in. He turns the key in the ignition. The car blows up. He gets out and slams the door shut disgustedly. He kicks the tire. He takes off his jacket and shimmies under the chassis. He pokes around. He slides back out and wipes the grease off his shirt. He puts his jacket back on. He gets in. He turns the key in the ignition. The car blows up, sending debris into the air and shattering windows for blocks. He gets out and says Damn it! He calls a tow truck. He gives them his AAA membership number. They tow his truck to an Exxon station. The mechanic gets in and turns the key in the ignition. The car explodes, demolishing the gas pumps, the red-and-blue Exxon logo hight atop its pole bursting like a balloon on a string. The mechanic steps out. You got a car bomb, he says. The man rolls his eyes. I know that, he says. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jan 5 22:05 1993 from Ford II Last night I dreamt I had insomnia. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mar 9 00:05 1993 from Wonko the Sane @uncnsrd Amoebas are like surfing. You paddle out. Andyou wait. Anjou wait. And then a wave of wierdness comes, and you let it take you for a ride. The best amoebites don't make the wave. They don't fight it, or control it. They fuck it with their minds and ride it like a cheap whore until it leaves you sweaty, and exhausted, and profound. Sometimes brainlessness can be the coolest, hep-cattiest, deepest most philosophically pungent shit to be had. Mostle it's just brainlessness. That's how you get artists (who are) and everybody else (who wish they were). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mar 17 00:35 1993 from psycho @uncnsrd Groo: Guilt Galad? If you insist... Twas very perceptive of me. When both the options are put before you, which would you choose: Licking a frozen doorknob or the tin foil? Let's see: Doorknob: Nasty aftertaste, nasty during-taste, tongue is stuck to doorknob, someone opens door and removes tongue. Foil: You become a human battery for a little while, you jumpstart cars, make your hair stand up, realize not to do that idiotic thing again. The choice could clearly only be: if you're a masochist, DoorKnob. IF you aren't, Foil. If you are sane, don't call. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jun 20 20:44 1993 from IGnatius T Foobar Ford's cool these days. Ford is a virtual-card-carrying member of Friends Of IG Inc. Ford leaves simulated vomit in plastic bags and 90% tips at Sizzler. Become Ford. Jun 25 19:24 1993 from Ford II That's also going on my wall in my office at work. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jul 6 10:52 1993 from Herby @uncnsrd I hate you you hate me we all live for anarchy hold a gun to his head pull the trigger now he's dead first he's purple now he's red. Long die Barney. (from my 9-yr. old daughter, thanks, Rose. (Another Barney hater, quite perceptive for a kid, ain't she?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jul 11 09:16 1993 from Ford II >Well, it looks like I out-confused even the great and noble Ford himself. >Do I win an award or something? Ah well. >What's the roman numeral ][ for, Ford? Are you born-again? >. > Lerxt: I am a snowman. I grow, I melt. People feel me yet I am only here. My existnece I where I am, not yesterday, not a tv. Legend is a meaning for which Only highly ranker officers can change well orange. As I go thru life I take note of things I do, and some of the more signifigant ones I categorize. LIke the colest thing I ever did, the dumbsebest things I ever did and so on. Up until yesterday I thought I had done some pretty stupid things but when I was finally told "If you don't hitchhike you will actually die." yesterday I decided that whatever it is I might be doing has to certainly be The Dumbest if it can in fact take my life. So I hitchhiked and am, if fact, alive. But had you seen me yesterday you would probably agree with her (as I did) that I was in fact going to die soon. Ford (Food for weep. Weep for thought) ][ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jul 20 00:31 1993 from Wonko the Sane Of course, smoked whitefish should not be invoked lightly. Rather darkly, even though it is, afterall whitefish. Hnce the inherent dichotomy that is whitefish (smoked) a substance that defies all simple and simpleminded worlds, and raises itself to the very pinnacle that civilized man has striven for accross the centuries, nay, even uncivilized man, striding forth from the primordial muck, stone in hand, fist raised high as if to defy the very heavens and the mysteries they hold time imemorial. Or maybe, just maybe, it was smoked whitefish. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jul 21 04:05 1993 from Gregory Brisson @acad.csv.kutztown.edu to IGnatius T Foobar Path: bris4520@acad.csv.kutztown.edu Hey! Ya know what? I've just checked Sir Book of Butt (tm) and I work 4-12 both on Saturday and Sunday. But, I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do: I'm coming up on Thursday evening to see my parents and hang out until Saturday morning. Sherry will come up Friday afternoon and stay until Sunday. Cool? Cool. That way, we all can do something Friday night and/or Saturday morning. Anyway, that was a really cool letter from Missy, and Sherry would like to tell you both that she misses you, and can't wait to see you. (Sherry is currently debating whether or not to take Friday off. I await her decision.....) She's going to. (Actually, she's going to ask. But there's a 99% possibility that she'll get off because her bosses are cool. And she works hard. I'll tell you tommorrow.) That way, we both could come up Thursday afternoon. Cool... Not too much is going on here. We had a surprise visit from one of Sherry's friends from her theater group. He met a guy from Comedy Central and is possibly going to go into comedy. What else...We've rented about 50,000,000 movies from PharOut and are catching up on all those movies that-you-don't-want-to-rent- from-blockbuster-cause-their-too-expensive-but-you-kinda-wanted-to-see-them- anyway...You get the picture. We saw "Matinee" and "My Cousin Vinny" (which your sister should see because she's so Italian.) Both were very awesome. Sherry is currently eating a generic pop-tart. I'm currently getting eye-strain. Did you know that dipping cucumbers in motor oil makes for very good ghoti frish glob smoke tell tale oister polish? The fat cat sat on the hat. PAY ATTENTION ART! YOU'RE FALLING ASLEEP! Jeez... The water stain on our wall has spread, and what we originally thought was Elvis' visage is actually the head from the shroud of Turin which is un- folding itself across our living room. In fact, last night, I heard the voice of Jesus telling me that I should buy mass quantities of semi-automatic illegal weapons and start ridding the world of the bile that we call MIMES! This, of course, makes for very good conversation at Chi-Chi's. "Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. If Moses supposes his toeses are roses then..." You finish it. Well, Art, it's late, and I'm going to miss MST3K, so I'll bid you a fond due! Many Wedgies From Sherry, Greg PS: Say hello to that little green blob down in your basement. Jul 27 22:17 1993 from Erythro Ery's Last Words Sniff, this is probably my last call to this board. At any rate, here are a bunch of notes and last words to some of the people I know in the local BBS world. Some received their notes in person, others had 'em sent by e-mail for various reasons, and the rest go here. There is no particular order to 'em, just off the top of my head... Uni: Hmm, where to start. You're a very cool person, and definately responsible for developing my viewpoints on a number of issues. I also owe you many thanks for introducing me to the wonderful worlds of Discordianism, mail art, and Negativland. And I mustn't forget UMOWs, hikes, and the various other strange excursions. Thanks. Hacha: I owe you for making me overcome my societally-imposed homophobia. Uni deserves some credit too, but not quite as much. After you came out, I realized that gay people are no different from the rest of us. Thanks for that, and everything else as well. Hopefully there'll be a SOTB 2.75 or 3.33 next year... Marquis de Sade: You're the master of flamage, and in Uni's words, one "clever bastard". I credit you for inspiring some of my attack style on SkyNet. And, in general, although many don't realize it, a nice guy. (Funny, I never thought I'd be thanking you, but here I am...) IGnatius T Foobar: Thanks for running Uncensored through all these years, and for being the first devout Christian I know who is not an asshole, in fact quite the opposite. It was nice to finally meet you. Phalcon/Skism & (ex-)company: Thanks for the Anarchy Pikniks, Flossy, /<-RaD 0-7 DaY WaReZ, the really shitty demo source, and the JaniMorph. Some of you people were annoying at times, but on the whole, it's been nice knowing you. The Babbler: Another poor victim of the mindwashing of Uni and his worshippers. You're the first ever Honorary Jani, and you'll make a fine successor to me as moderator (aggravator?) of Fans of Ery. Keep listening to Skinny Puppy! Deadpool, Vexor & egghead: The Hinterlands crew! Thanks for making THL one of the best boards around (old-timers: ah, shut up), and for helping through the board's hard times. Questor: Thanks for the rational arguments on Elysium, WildNet, et al. Just remember, fetuses aren't alive, and "when chilled their brains taste like frozen vanilla yogurt". (c)THOD Frig: Fellow lunatic! The more messages I see from you, the more I start to think that you really are my long-lost twin brother. It's a shame that I never got to meet you in person. Maybe next year... Red Barchetta: You're one of the few people who were here when I started modeming and still remain in cyberspace, and strangely enough you're also moving soon. I've enjoyed the conversations on Finland, there aren't too many people around who have a genuine interest on anything outside the US... Everybody else: It's been nice knowing you, and I'm glad to say I'm departing 914 with no modemers on my Hate list, and very few people indeed on my list of Occasionally Mildly Annoying people. Everybody: A note: On some boards that I frequented for entirely selfish reasons, you may see little ghosts of Erythro floating around even after I've left. Don't worry, it's all a part of the plan. However, if an Erythro pops up on SOTB or UCG sometime in (say) October, please go ahead and grill the impostor with plenty of barbeque sauce. Thanks. In addition, Ery will return to haunt y'all sometime next year in the winter/spring for a period of a week and a half or so. Stay in touch, and stay tuned for more updates! _ -Erythro (soon to be Guru Gnosis Sahib) Aug 8 16:26 1993 from Lerxt My friend Gil showed me a guitar made of fish. He can play any scale on it. But who trusts a bass player, anyway? -Ler Aug 12 22:53 1993 from Stormchylde @uncnsrd 407 days until he goes to jail. No more bbsing, no more user meetings, no more late night drinking sloe gin fizzes with fez wearing facists, no more tossing small children in front of large trucks, no more shooting ducks with electronic, unix made guns, no more molesting ants at company sponsered picnics ripe with large breasted, nubile secretaries name Alice, no more lying in a field of daiseys with his favorite stuffed (& mounted) animals-like representations, no more stroking the thighs of young un-wed sheep, no more laying about in his underwear singing 'Hava Nagila", no more cooking live lobsters to hear their tiny little screams of horror and pain as they feel the scalding of a universe full of boiling water. No more fun. At least, thats what happened to me when I got married, hitched, caught, jailed, so on and so forth, ad nausem, etc, etc, etc... That's why I got divorced. Now, I can do all the above, and more. Aug 23 08:58 1993 from Lerxt @uncnsrd Speaking as a student in the school of Freud's psychoanalytic theory, I believe IG is suffering from repressed hostility stemming from difficulties in the relationship between his internal components. He has had great difficulty interfacing with characters in his everyday operating environment since a young modem-- er, *maiden* he once knew repeatedly dropped carrier with him and finally ended the relationship in one final bulk dump. This serves to explain the baud-y comments he has been making recently, and may better help us understand the throughput of this individual. However, I have faith in the ability of this fellow to network, and assure you that his reputation is no longer at RISC. --Siegmund Lerxt Vienna August, 1993 Oh yeah -- and 'IG' is G.I. backwards. Sep 7 16:31 1993 from befwinker four score and seven years ago our forefathers........... Sep 7 17:43 1993 from Ford II came forth from a really big pile of land. They came on ship big and tall. They Met the natives and played with them. They traded shit with them. It's amazing what you can get for a pile of shit. They came with the hope of a new land a new rule, a rule without the corruption of the motherland. They set up a new form of govt. call a democracy which allowed for 3 disstinky sections of govt. All of which make money simply by letting you survive on their land. This new govt would be exponential in terms of growth and funds required from the taxpayers. It was decided that only the poor and middle class would be taxpayers and that the rich would be exempt It would set up rules and regulations governing what everbody couldn't do, so much so, that 1 very small aspect of the govt, the Department of Motor vehicles, has to publish a 1500 page book (of very very small print) describing all the rules regulations of travelling in a motor vehicle in the country run by this govt. This of course requires addiitional funds. Ford (I think you can guess where this is leading...) ][ Sep 19 20:31 1993 from Ford II @uncnsrd >THOD, once again I have no clue what you're talking about. Have no fear. Neither does he. Oct 31 01:35 1993 from Lerxt Okee, the new one was cool. I fell asleep in the middle (tough day at work today, hon,) but my trusty VCR kept its eyes open for me. The new title song goes a little something like this: "In the not-too distant future Way down in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank Were hatching an evil scheme They hired a temp by the name of Mike, Just a regular Joe they didn't like, Their experiment needed a good test case So they conked him on the noggin And they shot him in to space. "'Well send him cheesy movies, The worst we can find, He'll have to sit and watch them all And we'll monitor his mind.' Now keep in mind Mike can't control When the movies begin or end He'll try to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends: Robot Roll Call- Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, Crow... "If you're wondering how Mike eats and breathes And other science facts, Repeat to yourself, 'It's just a show, (I should really just relax) Called Mystery Science Theater 3000'" There you go. Everything you ever wanted to know about MST3k. -- Lerxt Nov 5 01:06 1993 from Groo the Wanderer As the years go by we tripped in a park! Nov 5 17:49 1993 from IGnatius T Foobar ...when I heard that he was stoned, I knew it was time to depart... Nov 6 12:36 1993 from Lerxt > Nov 5 23:10 1993 from Groo the Wanderer >Thus he's nobodys dealer... >Cramp a deadheads style.... "Make a wastoid cry. (Deeeeeeealer...) Teach them all a lesson, It's foolish to get high... When everybody's buying (from) Nobody's Dealer" -- Lerxt, the voice of reason against the howling MOD Nov 15 07:48 1993 from Groo the Wanderer Now for something completely different........ *******SYSADM---===---SYSOP******* When bored a Sysadm will usualy go and do something creative like fixing the VCR or working on his system. When bored a Sysop will usualy spit. When at a party a Sysadm will usualy thing of something fun and inivative to do when the party slows down. When at a party a sysop will usualy call his\her board. When with in a group of people who are dissagreing with each other the Sysadm will usualy try to solve the problem peacefully. A sysop will move each a side and say "I don't care what the argument is about, whoever has the bigger breasts wins." When desiding what to eat a Sysadm will usualy pick a nice out of the way place, like an Italian Resturant in Dobbs Ferry. A Sysop goes to blimpies. When buying something at a store a Sysadm might use his credit card. A Sysop will also use the Sysadm's Credit card. 8) Dec 6 06:00 1993 from Groo the Wanderer That much is certain. I think that Virtue goes along with the potato chip virtue..... Lets see, ....Honesty, Compassion Valor Justice Sacrefice Honor Spirituality Humility Potato Chips Robing mom blind Yep there it is! I see now! Theirfor I cannot be blind. Theirfour, thearfore, theirfore, therefore, hmmm.....thare4, no thats not it....Th-th-thidfour, nope...., thence-fourth nope,....oh welp. Dec 6 21:06 1993 from IGnatius T Foobar (Groo's train of thought subsequently derails, killing 400 commuters.) Dec 6 05:17 1993 from Groo the Wanderer @uncnsrd Lerxt: Lets no get into that again. It took us weeks to get over the dating seating arangements. 8} Why am I up at 5:18 in the morning, I went to bed at 1:10 and I woke up at 3:00 or some time around then, with my TV and Radio on at the same time, and all at once the anouncers said that saturday Frank Zappa died. Being as wierd as it was I sat through a 1/2 hour long appa Rock-Block, picked up the Hobbit, started reading, put the hobbit down (he hates that) the Hobbit fell under the bed, I got up from my bed and heard some one say "If you call the BBS someone will have posted it." That was strange. After blessing my house from evil talkitive spirits, I lit an incent got dressed, left my appartment stold a neibours newspaper, went to the bathroom for about 1/2 hour, left the bathroom, quietly put the newpaper back infrount of my neibours door and called the BBS. Or some junk like that. I don't know what the spirit was talking about, I mean as cool as the posts have been so far, they aren't all that impressive as of yet. Hmmmm. As for other things, IG: Unicorn calling the BBS hypocritical is silly. You should take it with a grain of salt, HE'S A DISCORDIAN FOR HIM EVERYTHING HE SEES IS HYPOCRITICAL AND EVERYTHING HE SAYS! (Cough-cough) Sorry for yelling. Being uncencored doesn't mean you can yell fire in a crouded Purchace Parking lot. Or "Stop thief" for that matter. 8) I am thinking of another parity, if the Puns sub is still around, and if it isn't it will be reincarnated, I am doing to do a parity of "Working Man" To "Sys-Ad-am" I still love the first albumn. I MISS BEING A SYSOP. Anyhow enough babble. The map is just about done. I could have had it done weeks ago but I acidentaly spilled Chunkys Chicken corn Chowder all over it, and had to start over. What is this about a vidio? Dec 18 10:08 1993 from Ford II @nyti (New York Telephone I) I was walking down the street the other day. The street followed me. I was left up in the air by this, but I ignored it. A little yellow bush spoke to me in a language I did not understand, so I ignored it. Why. As I walked on, an old lady wearing reeboks caught my attention and threw it in the garbage nearby. I asked her why she did that. Why. So the story goes, the man walks down the street with out any attention to his name he wears his reeboks also, but does not notice the birds. It is a sad life he leads. It is hoped he keeps walking straight and doesn't turn down my street so I don't have to deal with him. Good Day. Dec 30 22:56 1993 from Ford II @nyti (New York Telephone I) Chew on this. Something to think about for how Ford got this way. If you look at the instructions on a box of Quik powered chocolate, they tell you the box will make 48 servings. A serving is 8 ounces. You are to use 2 to 3 tablespoons of chocolate per serving. I believe that's what they say to do. I'm working from memory here. I say if you do it that way you don't really get to enjoy the product. 1 box will last me two weeks. 1-2 glasses a day yields 7-14 servings. Not 48. The glass I use is a 24 ounce glass, not an 8 ounce. The key however, is in the mixture. The order is VERY important. You pour the milk first, then put in chcolate quickly, until there is about half an inch of powder, just sitting on top of the milk waiting to sink. Point 1: It's fun to watch. Let it all sing down, and you will be left with a glass of mostly milk, and about 3/4th of an inch of what looks like mud sitting at the bottom of your glass. This mud is very important. Point 2: Most novices get grossed out at the sign of this. Stir slowly making sure not to actually stir the mud with your spoon, the spinning motion from the spoon will be enough to cause some of the mud to mix with the milk. Do this until the chocolate milk is the darkness you like (you determine this over years of trial-and-error). Be sure to have plently of mud left. If not, add more chocolate and let it sink to the bottom. Point 3: Most novices leave the room at this point when they realize you intend on drinking this. Drink chocolate milk. When you get to the bottom, (Point 4: some novices are brave enough to peek in the room, while you think they've gone, and now most assuredly leave the area.) take a mouthful of mud and let it slide down your throat. If you haven't figured this out yet, the mud is pure liquid sugar. I love my Quik Chocolate Milk, I don't know what I'd do without it. Ford (I've been drinking this since I was 6) ][ Dec 30 23:07 1993 from Ford II @nyti (New York Telephone I) IG, archive that. It'll be fun to run across by accident in a couple of years. Jan 14 21:24 1994 from Lerxt Joe1200 is here and he is being weird. Ford sits on a couch next to the entertainment system and the terminal I am typing on now. Joe complains that he has never learned the story of Alice in Wonderland. I pick my teeth and he takes it personally. Your noble sysop is announcing the fact that he has taken a rare opportunity to remain in Westchester for a single weekend.XK "If youdon't buy a cake, you get yelled at," says Ford, referring to behaviours known to only him and his family. Non-sequitir theatre < Lerxt >XK Jan 14 21:35 1994 from Lerxt @uncnsrd Non-Sequitir Theatre V2.0 "The interface is Glim," I announced to the room of upstanding gents from the modem world. Joe sits on the floor with his back against the wall and his crossed legs propped up six inches off of the ground on a small footstool. I ask our host (and your System Administrator) for some dental floss. My predicament proves more hopeful. Ford picks up the phone, and after quickly learning its primitive interface, announces his personal catch phrase. A person you know who calls himself Marq is now on the other end of the analog telephone line. I pound the keys on the terminal as I have it out with him about Rush tickets. Suddenly, our noble host bolts out of his easy chair and launches himself out of the room. He returns with several pamphlets pertaining to a system of toll collection he refers to as EZ Pass. I believe he has some role playing information written on those pamphlets. Your Sysop, and my host, has a sister. This sister has a friend. I have seen them both for a total of 28.7 seconds this evening. They left the room after an interval of precisely this length from the time I entered the room. But I am at a terminal now, this I am sure of. < zyes. > Feb 5 04:02 1994 from The Marquis de Sade >moral of monologue: make sure you get all oyyour vitamins.. Have you considered the nutritional value of the common waffle? Waffles are easy to prepare, suitable for any dining situation, and they can be prepared in a variety of delicious ways... Yes, there's nothing like a golden-crispy waffle to start off your day, keep it going strong in the middle, and end it with great satisfaction. Waffles are the universal food. Waffles and water are, in fact, the two primary food groups, and are the only ones necessary in order to lead a happy, healthy life... Remember, a waffle a day keeps the melancholy away... tmds Feb 6 02:54 1994 from The Marquis de Sade > Feb 5 16:50 1994 from pandora >Nadia: My dad tries to get me to take vitamins, but they make me sick to >my stomch, I'll just eat more veggies, I just gotta remember to go to the >store and buy the ones I'll eat, which is kinda hard, cause I rarely >leave the house..... Vitamins are highly overrated, vegetables, doubly so... Waffles, on the other hand, are a healthy and fun way to fulfill all of your daily nutritional needs! And they are definitely a low-maintenance meal!!! Easy to cook, easy to swallow, and easy to clean up... Waffles, they take a licking and keep on giving... tmds Mar 28 00:38 1994 from The Marquis de Sade @uncnsrd > Mar 27 23:39 1994 from Mr.T @uncnsrd >hey there, o bible-thumpingroo: What ever happened to turning the other >cheek? Groo would normally turn the other cheek, but he's wise enough to know that the last thing you wanna do when dealing with Uni is expose any of your cheeks... OH! Apr 9 15:54 1994 from Lerxt You know, I'd like to participate in this discussion on Bioengineering and ethics, but everytime I listen in, it all goes in one ear and right out the other two. ----- May 5 21:54 1994 from Spell Binder I said it in a fit of anger. But I didn't say it because everything I say is a lie. But that means that what I just said was a lie, meaning I did say it in a fit of anger. But that also means that I was telling the truth, which would imply that my second statement was true too, which means I was lyuing. But if I lie about everything I say, then I lied when I say I lie about every- thing I say, therefore, I was telling the truth. And yet, if I am telling the truth, it means only that I was lying. Which means I was telling the truth. About a lie. Concealed within an unfathomable truth encompassing the realms of known thought and logic. Which is nothing but a falsehood, irreparably spoken in haste and fury. And yet still bearing the purity and undeniability of an accurate interpretat- ion of the facts at hand. Which stinks to high Heaven of a rotting carcass of espionage and theivery, murdered in the night by a passing assasin whose sole intent is to cloak the blinding light of reality in shadowy misperceptions and vague trickery. This is the neverending fate of recursion. A curse of insanity to any who dare explore its limits. For it has none. Jun 15 23:40 1994 from The Marquis de Sade (Sometimes I think I'm too cutting edge for my own shorts...) Sep 1 10:07 1994 from Livewire Why is an orange? Because a banana has no bones. What's the difference between a duck? One leg is the same. If you're flying through the desert in a boat and it gets a flat, how many pancakes does it take to fix it? Ice cream. Nov 21 21:16 1994 from Ford II @nyti (New York Telephone I) End. It is the end of which I wish to speak, and I wish to speak of it now, because it very well suits my mood. I am very wet. There are ends to means, and there are ends to parking lots. It is wise to have a good comprehension of what the 'end' really is when one is to embark upon a trip to find one's car in an unfamiliar parking lot. In the rain. There comes a point when you decide you really don't know where the end actually, is, although your car does, becuase you are sure that's where you left it. It is wet where you are, and it is wet where you car is. And it is very wet all the distance between and around the path between where you and your car are. It is from my recently occuring experience that I understand this, although it was not necessary for it to be proven to me. I am very wet because I went looking for my car in the pouring rain (and I am am usually hesitant to use the work 'pour' in reference to rain, unless there really is a LOT of rain) that I parked at the end of a parking lot I was unfamiliar with. A Large parking lot. So you walk for a few minutes you can't look up or water gets in your eyes, but you can't see where you are going. Your glasses are falling off and your feet are wet. You've walked past the end and still have not found your car and wonder if maybe you went in the wrong direction, or maybe are on the wrong side of the building. You now have to start from scratch, and now you've been pre-wet. I am very very wet. Dec 11 10:38 1994 from IGnatius T Foobar @uncnsrd > Hello, you've reached the Evergreen Surrealists Club. > We're not a fish to have surround sound with this bucket. > Please spool your wooden door by the yard if minions filigree. ----- Dec 20 04:35 1994 from Groo the Wanderer Beer, remember the nice smooth taist of beer? AH HAHA! IT'S BACK! YES REMEMBER NICE COOL ICE-ICE! YES THAT IS RIGHT, WE USE ICE, AND THEN ADD ICE TO IT! THEN WE OFCOURSE FREEZE IT! THEN WE SHRED IT OF ALL DIGNITY AND PUT SEXY BABES ON THE LABLE, AND WHEN THE CAN GETS WARM, THE BABE GETS NEEKID! NOW WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE? THEN DRINK ICE-ICE, FROM SANTA's PERSONAL BREW! Dec 29 17:44 1994 from Ford II @nyti (New York Telephone I) Okay. So here's the lineup so far... We've got a BBs, 2 24 packs of pepsi, a bucket of ice (some of it will warm a bit while the rest is being drunk/drinken) a 6 pack of jolt to wash it down, REALLY loud ozzy (the soon to be released boxed set) a 3 pound loaf of fresh rye bread, a pound and a half corned beef and a half a pound of pastrami, deli mustard (the good shit), a sour pickle, a partridge in a pear tree somewhere out on the prarie, a nice brunette on yer lap, a blonde waiting for when you're done with the brunette, a Lotus turbo esprit waiting outside for when your done with the blonde, a plane waiting at the airport to take you to germany so you can drive the autobahn for a couple of hours pickup some more chicks and take them to a bar that brews their own beer, and spend the evening getting drunk. Ford (have it got it all?) ][ Jan 25 12:48 1995 from Benjamin Bodenheim @nyti (New York Telephone I) FORD ][ IS MYSTERY WITNESS IN O.J. TRAIL Jan 26 14:14 1995 from Havalina @uncnsrd That's interesting, I thought he was also part of the Defense Team, as well as Lance Ito's personal chauffer. Jan 26 15:22 1995 from Dirk Stanley @uncnsrd Nope... Ford ][ was testifying today. Here's an excerpt: Cochran : "Mr. Ford ][... Where were you on the night Nicole Simpson was killed?" Ford ][ : "Home, just playing my guitar." Cochran : "So you don't know anything about the case, do you?" Ford ][ : "Nope, nothing at all." DUM DUM DUMMM!!! (Dramatic music plays in background... Is our hero lying, or telling the truth? This could make it or break it for O.J.... Stay tuned!) P.S. - Who's going to play Ford when the miniseries comes out? Mar 27 21:01 1995 from Ford II @nyti (New York Telephone I) The modern day toilet bowl has to be one of the neatest inventions in the world. It's run by water, not electricity, so it would work in a power failure, and in case of water source failure, it's got a one-use backup flush supply. It's only got one button, so any moron can use it, and all you have to do, is drop something in it, and it goes away. Ford (too bad my problems are too big to fit in it) ][ May 16 12:48 1995 from Ice Woolf @freezing (Freezing Rain) How do you decide if something is religious or not? May 16 15:07 1995 from Storm @freezing (Freezing Rain) Take a leak on it. If people complain, it's prolly religious. May 30 12:00 1995 from Mr.T @uncnsrd I'm doing R&D on a unique line of cables, including such high-demand itens as BNC to Grapefruit, EIAJ 26-pin to hamburger, RCA to tennis ball, and 56-pin ELCO to fried calamari, and last but not least, Veam to Spicy Slim Jim. Aug 16 01:08 1995 from Skeeter Wait, I got one, Dirk. Just what IS a condom? Aug 16 11:03 1995 from Dirk Stanley It's an endangered species of bird that lives in the Southwestern parts of the United States... They're being bred in captivity right now, with experiments in re-introducing them into their environments going on right now. No? Mar 1 13:07 1996 from Ted Welter @ctestsys (C-86 Test System) I had an idea for a strip called "The Dysfunctional Family Circus.": Well, Bill Keane is once again passed out on the sofa, and mom's turning tricks on the avenue, so little Billy Has To Draw the Strip (that's one of Keane's Big Three motifs, the others being a little map of the roundabout way that kids come home from school, and those two gremlins "Ida Know" and "Not Me" who are always running around when dad's trying to figure out who broke the lamp. In the dysfunctional family circus, the kids break into the liquor cabinet, and the gremlins are called "Bite Me" and "F*** You." Oh well, it's sort of a one joke strip, but then again, so is the family circus. I take that back; the family circus is no joke strip. What do you all think? Will the first amendment protect me from copyright infringement? Apr 8 18:09 1996 from Christy Freelove @flynnsin (Flynn's Inn) I run a telephone solicitation business staffed entirely by old people and the unborn. Apr 27 02:10 1996 from Dredd IG: About your Internet idea: The board is yours more than it is ours. Although we should have a say in the decision, the decision should not be based solely on what we feel. In the end, it all comes down to you. Of course, then you would lose some users, and possibly have to expend more of your own mulla than you had planned towards the effort, until you reach that point where you fear everyone around...the kind of fear where you blame people for trying to break into your system and take over their Bulleti Board which has now been warped into their own little "Fantasy World" with clown soldiers armed with tommy guns and SS soldiers marching back and forth in front of the main gates...and on every street corner...watching your every move, and then reporting back to their leader...an overbearing Nazi General who, like a vulture, stalks its prey before snatching it into its beak and devouring its body. You setup caller-Id because the "bad men" are coming for you...taunting you...Acting like crazed scientists on a binge of kool-aid and mylanta as they try and try again to break into his wonderful candy land...a candied apple of of bright lights...which is really a cover-up for his top secret black ops files that he hides in the scrambled network of Electronic rats and Cheese-Girl by-products...a collection of candied apples...Big Apples...grown in a city that never sleeps...an Electronic City that never sleeps...An Electronic New York! Wow...I just wrote a page about Farokh. I should get out more. Speaking of Writing long pages, When recruiting new members avoid the following list of people: 1)Farokh Iranioo and... 2)Quy O. Thank you for your time. "Say you love me, as you pull the trigger-- Better Today, rather than tomorrow..." -Traci Bonham, You're the One May 27 11:05 1996 from Five Fresh Fish @bistro (Bistro) Colin: I did say "complete and intact"; I don't think anyone has said that first there was nothing, and then BoInG! out popped galaxies and solar systems and earth and antelope. Solarius: The Silly String theory of the nature of matter is, basically, that God held a rockin' good party and Zeus, party d00d that he is, got a little too drunk on the so-called nectar of the gods (believed to have been Okanagan Springs Pale Ale) and, while wearing a lampshade, started hosing down Vishnu with a can of purple Silly String. All hell broke loose after that, and by the time Thor bazooka-barfed off the front porch, the entire house was a mess. Ten-thirty AM rolled around, and God, passed out on a pool chair, suddenly came-to with the shocking realization that Mom was gonna get home by noon. That's when everyone had to haul ass to clean up. Osiris, being something of an obsessive-compulsive sort, collected all the Silly String strands up into a big ball and pitched it behind the rose bushes. And that's where we are today. Jun 3 16:43 1996 from Ford II @uncnsrd I keep a heart shaped box with my feelings in it. My third liver is buried in a swamp at my elementary school, where once every three years, a bright orange bird named 'Slicker' comes and takes a bite out of it, to sustain itself. There's this vein in my right arm that keeps telling me it's tired and really would like a massage. Before I can say anything, my right pinky toenail pipes up and starts reciting old Hannah Barbera cartoon theme songs. I wish my left earlobe would stop trying to be friends with my typewriter. And my self confidence doesn't fit in Giants' Stadium. Jun 6 22:20 1996 from Nikolas @marshill (Mars Hill) "SIIIIGH. It looks like Satan rebooted the universe again..." Jul 17 14:36 1996 from Mouse I will not eat green eggs and SPAM, I will not eat them Spam I am. Jul 17 22:05 1996 from IGnatius T Foobar I am Sam. Sam the Spam. I would like some green eggs to wham. Jul 18 02:31 1996 from Groo the Wanderer He sam, i've got no spam, would you prefer some virginia ham? Jul 18 11:47 1996 from Ford II So Sam is Spam, and Wham the can, the Spam that I am can be ran. Spam with a tan, flat in a pan, shoved in a can or shot through a fan, Could never equal The Spam That I Am. Sep 11 02:16 1996 from Groo the Wanderer I am ah growin somethin' but it only haz three leaves. I found it in my pot one day. I mean my pot....you know, the thing that plants grow out of. One day I looked and seen a strange plant growing out of my plant-life support unit. I relised in an instant that it was a strange non-bud producing pot plant. It is missing two leaves. so I am assuming that it will not grow bud. But it is a fun thing to watch. I am hoping that I am surprised. Whats so wierd was that I have this pot filled with weeds. I was growing weeds, not weed but weeds, well you know, I was growing weeds in my pot, soda speak. But thenweed grew out from the pot and the grass that was growing with the weeds started to die, but only the grass died not the weeds or the pot...in the plant-holding device. This is the pot that jack built. I'm confusicated. Dec 24 02:14 1996 from Groo the Wanderer ill. No. Actualy, just explane it in the begginers notes. When they first log on ask if they were ever on a bbs before. If they say no then type out a large page or two, telling them what to expect. But IG, if you want them to know before they log on, then you might want to advertise in some sort of vivid way. Explane what is good about it. Why people generialy like it. Fuck damn, your becoming part of the machine IG! Whats going on in this place? Things area chaning and things ara movin, networking, internet E-mail, Fish, people breaking in, new co-sysops, web pages, marrage, friends who leave, mascots, Hot pink dead rats, people in one room for 2 days, the network is up, the network is down, the net work is up, the net work is down, filters on netted bbs's that don't alow scrawny mendecants, the usage of the word mendecant going up 75% in the last 1/2 year, g'no g'dredds, will smith as a hot topic, weather reports. Man this place is going higgly piggly! Dec 28 14:25 1996 from Skeeter @uncnsrd I am REALLY bored. why am i so bored? i need something to do. What's a good thing to do on a boring saturday afternoon with little or no money in westchester? Dec 28 14:57 1996 from Havalina @uncnsrd Rape your cat! Capture your very own pet squirrel! Check in with your psychic friend and catch up on old times! Mow your dog! Clean out the attic by throwing everything in the basement! Shave your canary! Not think about Quing! Design a UCG logo! Mow your dog again (they like it twqice a day anyway)! Use a hairdryer to evaporate all signs of moisture from your driveway! Smoke a cigarette! Be cruel and unusual to large feral woodlands creatures. Take your Hot Pink Ameoba for a walk in the park! Play the lottery! Re-organize your Malibu Stacy collection (SMITHERS!) Read up on Quantum Mechanics! Watch a Bob Ross TV special. Pray! And don't forget to run through the house in your skivvies yelling "We are the knights that say 'NEE'" Apr 20 01:11 1997 from Ygorl @uncnsrd Rupchuck: I eat all of the fish I catch, or else I feed them to wild animals that might otherwise want to dine upon Ygorl, or sometimes I just toss them at unsuspecting pedestrians from atop crowded bridges and overpasses... Why do you ask? May 2 13:38 1997 from Ygorl Oh yeah? Well, your mother's so stupid, she thinks that Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company... Jul 1 12:08 1997 from Ford II @nyti (New York Telephone I) I was walking down the street the other day, smooth glass sidewalk. I hit a patch of water, slipped and fell, you know how slipper wet glass can be. Now there's a though, pour dish detergent on a glass sidewalk, Now that'd be fun. (neat contraction, that'd, hunh?) Anyway, sorry to digress. Do I'm walking down the strees, I fell, I try getting back up with some difficulty and then see the cause of my problem. A fire hydrant. with a little pile of poopp next to it. Now I'm pissed. To confirm my suspicions, I take a whiff and sure enough, it smells like dog piss. Now I'm really pissed. I run home, take a shower, change my clothes, and run back out to the place where the sidewalk is with the ee on it. There's a guy there bty the hydrant picking up the dog poop. "Is thats' yours" I ask. "no, it's my dog's. Why?" "Well, I thought it was kind of a small shit for a human." "Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it." comes the reply. The man's got a real quilty look on his face. "And where's your dog.?" "At home." "Could you bring him hgere?" "I'll be back tommorrow, why you want to see my dog." "I plan on kicking the shit out of whichever of you two looks uglier, and right now that's looking like you. Pray you have an ugly dog." "Why? What's I or my dog do to you?" "Well, that vcery pile of shit you're cleaning up came free with this puddle of dog piss which I slipped in. You gotta be a fucking idiot to walk your dog on a glass sidewalk." "Well, don't you think the town is pretty stpiud for making a glass sidewalk?" "You must be a beurocrat. blaming the town because you have the functional inability towalk your dog or clean up after it." Jan 17 13:57 1998 from Mr.T I know it is. It's really hard. But I can tell you that it's beyond anything I could hope to explain in words when you get it right. :) I can't tell you what it's like with twink, sometimes I can barely comprehend it, but I can tell you that it's absolutely worth it. It stll doesn;t stop being work, though. It gets hard in another way in that you realize that you have this huge responsibility to your partner, and you have to really work on staying communicative and being realistic and dealing with things as they come up and never losing sight of the fact that you're totally apeshit about them and who they are and that it's your responsibility to honor that, always, no matter what's hapening. And it's worth every second of it. Sep 24 18:59 1998 from Ygorl Since certain people have evidently been having some difficulty distinguishing between Hexslinger and myself, I put together a user-friendly quick reference guide designed to help simplify things... A MORON'S GUIDE TO TELLING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YGORL AND HEXSLINGER It's really pretty easy to tell Ygorl and Hexslinger apart... All you need to do is learn to look for these ten telltale signs: When a new user first logs onto UCG -- Hexslinger will immediately go on the attack Ygorl will wait for the newbie to actually say something which pisses him off, then attack When discussing old times -- Ygorl will talk about his old friends and the BBSs they used to call Hexslinger will keep out of it, because he was only twelve back then When going on an inane rant -- Hexslinger will be attacked by the majority of the UNCENSORED! userbase Ygorl will be tolerated, because he's just being Ygorl When Peter Pulse offers an opinion on any topic -- Ygorl will categorically agree with whatever it is he says Hexslinger will categorically disagree with whatever it is he says When discussing things that suck -- Hexslinger will say that everything sucks, except for Dune and FORTH Ygorl will say that almost everything sucks, especially Dune and FORTH When shit rolls down-hill -- Ygorl will laugh and wave goodbye to it Hexslinger will make room for more shit to pile up around him When insulted -- Hexslinger will often respond with a variant of the exact same insult Ygorl will think up new and wholly original ways to insult the offending party When an UNCENSORED! user is completely out of control -- Ygorl will often twit said user Hexslinger will often get twitted When things get nasty -- Hexslinger will attack any user who rubs him the wrong way Ygorl will attack any message which rubs him the wrong way When all is said and done -- Ygorl laughs at the absurdity of it all Hexslinger gets more and more pissed off, and then goes away and sulks for a couple of days Hopefully, this will help to clarify things in the future... If you've enjoyed this MORON'S GUIDE then be sure to keep an eye out for our forthcoming titles, A MORON'S GUIDE TO IDENTIFYING GROO'S HACK ACCOUNTS and A MORON'S GUIDE TO PISSING IG OFF AND LIVING TO TELL THE TALE. Dec 4 16:00 1998 from wabewalker The makers of the Dial-o-Matic Food Slicer, the Inside-the-Shell Electric Egg Scrambler and the Pocket Fisherman now proudly introduce the world to... *** The Ronco Industrial-Size Convection Office *** Now you can broil while you toil! Earn your dough and bake it at the same time! You've never have a job offer as hot as this!!! The NEW! Ronco Industrial-Size Convection Office keeps all work surfaces and seating areas hotter than urban blacktop in August! Just watch as this pathertic, unmotivated office clerk is suddenly transformed into a hopping frenzy of productivity! Disciplinary problems? No problem! Now you you can *really* put a trouble employee in the hot seat! *** BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! *** The NEW! Ronco Industrial-Size Convection Office is available with a money-back guarantee for only three easy payments of $ 39.95, but if you order NOW! you'll receive these fine gifts as a bonus: * The Desktop Hibachi Grill attachment! * The Super-sized Combination Turkey Baster / Motivational Tool! * This full-color cookbook filled with hundreds of creative recipe ideas and standard corporate policies! All this can be yours for only three easy payments of $ 39.95! Don't delay! Order today! Dec 10 21:13 1998 from Ygorl My birthday's coming up too, Christmas Eveski... In lieu of gifts, I'd like everyone to make donations in my honor to the Club The Seals Foundation. Much appreciated... Feb 5 15:35 1999 from LoanShark @uncnsrd There's something totally disturbing about those yellow smiley faces. Not just that it's unnatural to be that fucking happy, or that Microsoft invented them for Bob(tm). No, I'm talking about something much more sinister. You see, now and then when I find myself in the presence of one of Them, It will choose to reveal to me Its will. The experience leaves me profoundly shaken. Just the other day, in fact, I saw one of the unusual few with yelloww features on a black background; It must have been harboring some racial bitterness, for It spoke to me thusly: "Hey, asshole. Yeah, you with the face. I know you can hear me, so don't pretend you can't." (Damn, a smart one.) "Now listen up you primitive screwhead, this is very important... In fact, you'd better write it down." So I did, for what it's worth... "I ate some green peppers, they didn't agree with me very well, in fact they didn't agree with each other very well. They started getting into petty squabbles over tracts of intestinal real estate, rights to stomach acid supplies. You know, initiating use of coercion and all that. AND YOU KNOW WE CAN'T HAVE THAT, HAHAHAHAHA, so I decided to put a stop to it before they started electing representatives and appointing committees. I sent in my loyal army of red peppers after them, but alas, what should have been a glorious victory for the inherently superior race of red peppers, turned into a humiliating defeat. The green peppers must have multiplied and developed tough acid-resistant strains, they ate some of my poor red peppers and locked the rest onto reservations. SO I DOWNED A BOTTLE OF PEPTO-BISMOL AND LET MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM DO THE MOP-UP WORK! HA HA! THOSE STUPID RED PEPPERS WERE ACTUALLY EXPECTING A RESCUE MISSION, BUT THEY PERISHED ALONG WITH ALL THE REST! AND IT'S ALL THE SAME IN THE END! Did you get all of that?" "Yeah," I think, while twirling my finger around my ear in the classic what-a-loony gesture. "Good. And I saw that." Damned subversives. Mar 30 14:02 1999 from Xakor @uncnsrd Genesis 4:89 "And Da-Man was rappin' with BiggMackDaddyCain. And he inquired 'Where be yo bro Gangsta-Abel at?' And BMDC said 'Yo MF! Am I the keeper of the bloods?' And Da-Man said 'I think thou busted a cap in his ass.'" Jul 9 15:22 1999 from Xakor Welcome New Users To Uncensored! Come, Stay awhile, and Have a look around... Here in the LOBBY> we have informative discussions about peeling your blistery scabby nipples. Just imagine what other things you'll find as you explore the rooms beyond! Next we have the Trashcan> Hosted by Hexslinger. Join me in reading of interesting discussions such as "You Suck" and "My Penis is 12 Inches long" Also - In our Movie room, you can read objective and informative reviews of today's current movies. These reviews are given by the top intellectual minds in the country, as evidenced by the fact that they are not yet connected to the Internet and are able to sum up Wild Wild West just by saying "You Suck" and "My Penis is 12 Inches long" Not that everything here is levity. We have highly controversial discussions here, such as in Net.Religion), where right here, in our captivity, you can observe the rantings of zealots who refuse to believe the bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat. I'm sure you'll find everything you've ever wanted to know... Right Here! Right Now! At Uncensored! Jan 12 13:04 2000 from grey elf Slaads are filled with puppy dog tails, nails and scales. Smurfs, turf's and nerfs. They are filled with sweet meats, and sweet tots, and meat pies, and tater tots, and just plain old tots. They are filled with the color green, and the color purple and the color puke. They are filled with all sorts of liquids that are just plain bad for you and many more that are note. But most of all....they are just full of shit. Grelf The 'OH SO MORE' then average Elf. He who likes to make Barbarians scream, He who likes to watch Slaad's cry, He who likes to watch meatloves drink, He who thinks he should cut down on the coffee. Thank you, and good night. May 2 2000 3:54pm from Xakor Hello Uncensored my old friend... I've come to visit you again... Because the monkey softly creeping, Let a poop while I was sleeping, And the stinking that was inhaled by my nose The stench now grows... I love the smell, of monkeypoop. In restless dreams I tossed and turned I smelled the stench of tires burned... 'Neath a dumpster in chinatown. I smelled the smells that really brought me down When my olfactory was struck by the odor of defectating primates It was so great... I love the smell, of monkeypoop. And in the Bronx Zoo I saw Ten shitting monkeys maybe more Monkeys shitting without squatting Monkeys with diarhea and farting Monkeys flinging feces, all over their monkey pen... Then doing it again... The place just stank, of monkeypoop. " "Fools" said I, "You do not know..." "How much I love my monkeys so..." "Take a lump of it as a gift..." "Take it home and then take a whiff..." But my words, like month old scat decayed... and then turned grey... It no longer smelled, like monkeypoop. And the monkeys bowed and prayed To the giant turds they laid And as the day continued warming There was so little steam forming And the guard said "Get out of the monkey pen right now or I'll call a cop!" But I couldn't stop... I love the smell, of monkeypoop. Jul 20 2000 1:15pm from Xydexx That Grinning Meatloaf wrote: >My mailman is still recovering from the last batch of mail I received >from him almost 10 years ago.. And the mailman only saw the outside of >the envelopes. I actually haven't done any mail art in a long, long, long time. Partially because I've started uttering phrases like "getting a home mortgage" and "switching mutual funds" and stuff. I'm coming to the conclusion that I must be getting O-L-D. It means I can't do wild and crazy things like that anymore, and have to concern myself with being a homeowner and saving up for retirement and whatever else old people do. And y'know, I'm actually looking forward to it. It's so relaxing, sitting at home with a cup of tea, eating cookies and listening to Garrison Keillor. I can't wait. I picked up a penny off the sidewalk the other day and was overjoyed; I'm on my way to becoming Just Like My Dad. Heh. Fuck that. Once I get the inflatable clydesdale finished, I'm gonna ride it around the front yard, paint my townhouse dayglo puce, and sneak out every night putting pink flamingoes on everyone's lawn. Send me your address. I'll make sure you get Something Reeeeeeal Interesting in a week or so. (Besides, I need an excuse to sort through all the weirdness and clutter I've been hoarding the past couple years.) ---Xydexx, getting older and stranger... Feb 2 2001 3:31pm from Spell Binder @uncnsrd What????? What's all this about tradition??? We'll have none of that here! It's been one of our finest, most upstanding and obscure traditions to have no traditions whatsoever! If that statement, in any way whatsoever, confuses, disturbs, or offends you, then you are nothing but a simple-minded, neo-pedantic traditionalist! And a fine "Harumph!" on top of it all! May 4 2001 9:19pm from setho I once saw the Phantom of Xand. It was late one night, and the network was troubled. Packets shifted to and fro, no real source nor destination. I was heavily caffinated as the sun began it's rise from the east, yet another all nighter. After struggling, I emerged from the data center tired, yet victorious. As I walked back down the long hallway, I saw it, the Phantom. It looked at me briefly, smiled and said I had done well, but he would return with a vengance. So far, all has been quiet. I await his return. Oct 16 2001 6:02pm from Ethan Young Subject: Feedback about spaghetti.com This arrived a while ago, but it's still pretty funny. Below is a letter we received over at spaghetti.com from a "concerned" user. Date: 12 Feb 2001 12:53:04 MST From: Izzy Moreno To: woody@spaghetti.com Subject: Suggestion CC: fargo@spaghetti.com Hello, Why do you have the web domain spaghetti.com? My wife called me on the phone this afternoon, and asked me what I wanted for dinner. I haven't had spaghetti for a while, so I replied spaghetti. My wife wanted to try a new recipe, so I told her to hold on while I checked at spaghetti.com for a new recipe. Guess what I found there. Not a damn thing about spaghetti. How did a couple of losers like you end up with a domain name like spaghetti.com? Your page says that you "Will provide" e-commerce solutions. What a fantastic business model! Did you guys come up with it all on your own? With such a fantastic web site I can only imagine the money that rolls into your bank accounts daily. You might want to run it buy your marketing department but I think that you should change your mission statement to read "We will try hard not to crap our pants". I'm going to give you two some real strong business advice. Sell your domain name to a real company, take the money, and run. I'm sure Ragu, or Prego, would pay you both a few hundred dollars for the domain. With that kind of money you two geniuses could start off on an exciting career in toilet cleaning, washing cars, or even a lemonade stand. And to think that people are wondering why dot coms are going belly up. You two are the definition of a bad business idea. Do both of you still live at home? --Izzy ____________________________________________________________________ Get free email and a permanent address at http://www.netaddress.com/?N=1 And here is our reply: From: Ethan Young To: izzy.moreno@usa.net (Izzy Moreno) CC: woody@mycroft.westnet.com (Chris Widmann) Subject: Re: Suggestion Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 21:51:52 -0500 (EST) Hello Mr. Moreno, Thank you for your interest in our company. We appreciate your insightful comments and helpful suggestions concerning our business' and our own personal futures. It's rare that we receive such valuable information from such knowledgeable and wordly sources. One aspect of your e-mail caught our attention, however. It seems from your message that both you and your wife are having some difficuly preparing a spaghetti dinner. As this is an area in which Spaghetti Systems excels, we will be happy to provide instructions and product recommendations. A sample is enclosed below at no cost for your examination. If you have any further concerns or suggestions, please feel free to e-mail myself or my partner. Thank you, Ethan Young --------------------------- SAMPLE SPAGHETTI INFO --------------------------- SPAGHETTI (from a box) We here at Spaghetti Systems make our spaghetti from a box. We use whatever mom has in the pantry. She seems to prefer Barilla. 1. Bring 4-6 quarts of water to a rolling boil. Add salt to taste, if desired. 2. Add contents of package to boiling water. Stir gently. 3. Return to a boil. For authentic "Al Dente" pasta, boil uncovered, stirring occasionally for 9 minutes. For more tender pasta, boil an additional 1 minute. 4. Remove from heat. Drain well. 5. Serve immediately with your favorite Barilla sauce. SAUCE (from a jar) Now even though the pasta states to serve with your favorite Barilla sauce, don't take that quite so literally. Mom seems to prefer Classico. You may substitute any brand sauce. 1. Simmer and serve. We hope you enjoy this entree brought to you by the staff of Spaghetti Systems. Spaghetti Systems urges you to be careful with the boiling water and hot food. We cannot take responsibility for injuries caused during the preparation or consumption of this entree. Dec 5 2001 5:26pm from LoanShark state machine! state machine! o how i love thee state machine, state machine, so intertwined state machine, state machine, better than spaghetti state machine, hate machine who the hell needs localization anyway? state machine, shmait machine! screw this, i'm getting into real-estate Feb 20 2002 10:21pm from Lady Eva today's forcast: partly sunny with a chance of localized nuclear blasts? Mar 8 2002 5:00pm from Ford II comes, not starts. comes. The revolution comes to you, it's not like a fucking movie where you look in the newspaper to see what the scheduled time is and then you have to account for people being fashionably late. It fucking comes. To You. You're sitting there on your couch and the front wall of your house decays in a crash of noise and explosive fire. But no, you want to make an appointment, or better yet, fucking reservations. "Oh, pardon me, we were made aware that there was a revoloution coming to town at the theata and we'd like to make reservations for 2, non smoking please." Sorry your lazy fuck fuck fucking ass out of here. The revolution will come. To you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aug 27 2002 12:54pm from Ford II @uncnsrd erm. no. int stroustrup (char *dest, char *source); The stroustrup function does something disa'strous' to your source string then 'tr'anslates it to 'up'per case. The results of the disaster are placed in the buffer specified by dest, and the integer return value is a percentage 50-100 range of how badly your source string was mangled before it was uppercased. See also: rand() Aug 27 2002 12:59pm from LoanShark @uncnsrd oooh, Rand. That's *much* worse than Stroustrup ;-) Aug 27 2002 1:16pm from Mr.T @uncnsrd Oh, jeez... Aug 27 2002 1:17pm from LoanShark @uncnsrd (Yeah, T, run for cover...) Aug 27 2002 5:24pm from fleeb @uncnsrd Everyone is well-aware by now of the Rand corporation's influence on the 'rand()' function. The tin-foil cap community have long suspected your random numbers are actually carefully plotted by the Rand Corporation's meglomaniacle tentacles to cause your system to work the way 'they' want things to work. I'll have to find the URL that proves all this someday (I swear, I read it in someone's sourcecode once.. most astonishing). Aug 27 2002 6:07pm from Spell Binder @uncnsrd No, no, no. The Rand Coporation wouldn't manipulate code to make it work the way "they" want. The Rand Corporation would manipulate code to make your system work the way "it ought to." ;) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sep 3 2002 7:49pm from Ford II I notice that the T in IGnatius T Foobar and the T in Fast Ford I didn't know it was a pentagon computer, but now that I do, I don't give a shit, the innocently bystanding Mellik Lee Warrio Mark T Wink Stulu Prefect Time II both do not have periods after them denoting that they do not in fact stand for a longer word. Yet it is Mr.T who uses the handle T -- Ford II, 2002 Sep 27 2002 9:50pm from fleeb @uncnsrd Saw this on Slashdot: Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who the hell is there? Knock knock. Alright, who the hell is it already? Phillip Glass. Oct 31 2002 8:15am from Mr.T Who is online? We number seven But session numbers reach eleven Four in Lobby, three elsewhere I tell you one thing's not fair: I'm alert, I'm awake ...the other six are idle flakes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Feb 20 2003 12:00pm from IGnatius T Foobar The UCG Cafe is a proud sponsor of the Club the Seals Foundation. Feb 21 2003 5:50am from grey elf That's right. A dime from every dollar spent here goes to help poor young sailors learn how to club seals in a manner best suited to cause maximum pain and suffering for the seal. This exclusive training is held in downtown Santa Fe, and to keep costs down, they use mexicans instead of seals. I'm told the effect is close enough for training purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mar 7 2003 7:41pm from Le Fou Tarmalgafup 1. A malignant gooey substance evolved from the remains of chewing gum stuck to the underside of restaurant tables. 2. The place you wind up when looking for a train station in a foreign country. 3. The inevitable relationship that develops between two teenagers in a reality TV show. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sep 27 2003 8:54pm from Xydexx IGgy, I rode 51 miles today. You couldn't do that in Delaware because Delaware isn't 51 miles long. It isn't even a real state. Their main export is lima beans. And they're imaginary lima beans that don't exist, too. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nov 14 2003 6:18pm from Ford II The ideas abound, the wrath comes from the north. So say you heathen, there is no more to be had. away with you. I've had enough. Follow the spirits south until an arched tree, you reach. Then you will know pain and suffering. Harken down below! There is nothing left for you here. Not a sound, not a sight, not a smell to be had. It is all empty. Null and void. They left long ago and took everything with them. So what is left for you? Nothing. You must make your own. And I have no pity for you, becuase nothing is what you left me. Artists. BAH! Technicians BAH! All useless. The real power lies in what I have and what you will never know. and I will taunt you with it so you can suffer more. For days, months years, you will agonize wondering what. But you will never know, you can never know. You are too small minded to think where I have gone to. So you will be left behind. With all this other shit, in the lobby. Ford (was here) ][ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dec 5 2003 5:29pm from Mr.T @uncnsrd Two strings walk into a bar. The first says "Barkeep, I'll have a whiskey sour." The second string says "Hey, that sounds good. I think I'll have one too.(&!@(**(#$^(*(*&@(*!$&(*@#&(*(!@#)(*(*@!$(&!@( *#&@!(#^$*#$_(*@!&#*&@!$#? The first string says to the bartender "Excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Apr 25 2004 5:39pm from grey elf Goddamn corporate fucking whores should all fucking die in a goddamn fucking car fire that starts when their collective assholes combust in a burst of god induced chili heat. Fuckwits. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ May 4 2004 12:25pm from IGnatius T Foobar @uncnsrd I don't really know the difference between a Java Bean and an Enterprise Java Bean. May 4 2004 12:26pm from grey elf @uncnsrd One is just a bean. The other is a bean capable of warp 9.7, a battery of phaser turrets, 6 photon torpedo tubes, and an anti-klingon weave for gentle rubbing. May 4 2004 12:55pm from Ygorl @uncnsrd Thx for the info, I dub thee Beanchylde! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aug 13 2004 3:35pm from Mr.T @uncnsrd "After like the 6th time, if you still get burned, it's your own fucking fault. No questions. No blame, no entitlement. Fuck me once, shame on you, fuck me six times, kill me." - Ford ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jan 5 2005 1:58pm from Ford II > That's something I can't agree with. There's a lot in the Bible that >is in the self-interest of men... like pages that can be easily manipulated with an opposing thumb. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ May 13 2005 2:44pm from Animal @uncnsrd ...umm, you have to take the plastic off the cheese slices first. That helps a *lot*, and makes t5he3 che3e3se3 GODDAMNI%T tHIS KEYboard sucks... damn Anyways... makes the cheeese taste a lot better too. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aug 19 2005 10:36am from **** The 12-Step Case Insensitivity Training Session Aug 19 2005 11:32am from **** i tOOK tHe cASe iNseNsiTIViTy cOuRSE aND juST lOOk aT tEh rEsulTZ Im a hOLE neW ME!11!!1 AND As a BOnUS I lEArnED nOT 2 uz PUNCTuaTiON eITherR ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Apr 11 2006 4:56pm from Ford II I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. FORD! I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will ask it to take out the trash on its way out. Furthermore I will charge a small toll for access to my innards. When the fear has gone I will sell the movie rights. So I can be rich. -Me. Just now. I read the beginning of that and jew (short for just knew) it had to have a funny ending and was disappointed when it didn't, so I made a vague effort. But like my improv instructor once told me "Try to be more funny." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Oct 12 2006 9:21am from fleeb @uncnsrd Hmm... things with flavor aside from tomatoes... Garlic, celery, herbs, horseradish, almonds, sour milk (which, by extreme extension, could indicate cheeses, too), ginger, corn, onion, mushrooms, capers, fish, olives (green particularly), pimento, cyanide, anti-freeze, rust, anchovies... The possibilities are endless. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Apr 24 2007 10:07pm from Animal Spent most of my early internet life as an annoying troll, using nicks such as "frozen penis" and "Whan!" which I would nameflood to "Whan?" and back to "Whan!". The most common ban message I got was "Wham! lol". Then I started using Hotline (Any other Mac guys remember this?), hlserver.com as "G3GUY!!!". Used that for about a year till around '99 I started using "Animal". I still use Hotline, obsession.ath.cx mostly. One of my drumline hats (the one i'm wearing right now) has "Animal" embroidered on the side, a few people in real life have noticed it and known me from somewhere online. I use variations of "Animal" on some forums/servers. "Animule" is the most common. And if you ever saw an annoying troll named "Frozen Penis" or "Whan?" on your system, i'm sorry you had to put up with me :-P Apr 25 2007 11:47am from LoanShark that explains a lot 8) Apr 29 2007 11:56pm from fleeb > > Why not Fleeptastiquebtas[C[C > Why not Fleebtastic? > Now that I look at it, I kind of like Fleeptastiquebtas[C[C. That says volumes without being easily pronounceable. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dec 8 2007 11:08am from fleeb @uncnsrd Subject: Omelette, anyone? I haven't made an omelette in rather a while, but I felt like making one today. I still have the touch. I do not feel I can cook a great many things, but I can walk away from a kitchen knowing that, at the very least, I can cook an omelette. And if I've heard from others correctly, other people can't always seem to prepare a decent one. There's no excuse for this. Omelettes are obscenely simple to create, if hard to spell (damned French people with their stupid spelling). If I can make one, you can make one. And you can make a fucking good one, too. I prepared this morning's omelette differently from others I've made, but I still enjoyed it immensely. Perhaps you should stop what you're doing right now, and make an omelette. Shit, maybe I should return to the kitchen and make another one. Be greedy. This omelette is for you, and you only. Don't give it to anyone else. Make them make their own. Crack two eggs. If you separate the yolks from the whites, jump in a river and drown, because you don't deserve this omelette. You deserve a good river-drowning. Hopefully in a freezing cold river, so your mouth won't work right. Obviously, you don't want to leave any egg shells in the bowl. If you do that, you're unspeakably stupid, and probably need death therapy. You can find plenty of death therapists in Iraq. Look for the long-bearded men in the funny outfits. You want to scramble these fuckers worse than George Bush's speech patterns. Now, there's a bit of a trick here... when you're scrambling these things, make sure you do it in a way that makes it bubble some. Those bubbles help make the omelette fluffier. If you're really serious, don't use a fork, but use a blender or some other thing that can scramble these well. I'm never that serious, though, and find myself content with the fork. While scrambling the eggs, give them a little spice. Today, I used some ground garlic powder, fresh sea salt, celery seeds, and parsley flakes... just barely enough to taste, not overwhelm. You are, after all, eating the eggs, not the spices. Let your concience be your guide. If you have a bad conscience, let someone else's conscience be your guide. At some point, you need to focus on your pan. I used an omelette pan, a staple in most kitchens. I've only heard of kitchens that lack a decent omelette pan, never actually seen one, except in third world countries where it's impossible to find air, let alone metal. Once you've pull that fucker out and put it on your stove (obviously, you have a stove. I mean, fuck, you're not a damned neanderthal, right?) you want to find some unsalted butter. Now, this is very important... "Butter Is Love." If you haven't figured this out, please murder your parents for abusing you so badly. They really do not deserve to live. Take about a tablespoon of this love, and put it in the pan. Heat the pan on high until the butter is not only liquid, but it's also brown. Make sure you coat the surface with this stuff. This will both flavor your omelette a little, and prevent it from sticking to your pan, even if it's made out of carpet. Which it isn't, because it's an omelette pan. Once that love is brown (and, honestly, who doesn't like brown love?), pour the egg into the pan. It should sizzle, and immediately start to turn solid at the places where it touches the pan. Using anything you want, lift the sides of this solid stuff to pour more liquid... the idea here is to make as much of the egg turn solid as possible while it's in the pan, while making sure that all of the egg becomes solid as one unit (not a bunch of little solids, but one large solid). As you do this, you'll notice that you can't really make *all* of the egg turn solid this way, just a good bit of it. Once you have most of it done like this, reduce the heat to low, bring out the cheese, and layer half of the omelette with this cheese. If you want to add bacon, go for it... but just half the pan, not the whole thing. You can put all kinds of things in an omelette... just sort of need to decide what you like. You will eventually fold the omelette along this half... that's why you don't coat the whole omelette with it (otherwise, you'll have a really thick center of stuff, and the edges will be lacking... it won't be uniform). After you finish putting all the goodies on the soon-to-be omelette, cover the pan with a lid. This will help melt the toppings into the omelette, and solidify the last remaining egg-bits. If you missed it, your heat really should be low at this point.. otherwise, you're going to burn the omelette. If you burn an omelette, you have to let a porpoise fuck you. Sorry... them's the rules. Burn an omelette, get raped by a horny porpoise. That's just how it works. And, frankly, you deserve it for wasting a good omelette that way. After about 10 seconds or so, turn off the heat, and slide the omelette onto your plate. As you slide it onto the plate, fold it along the half-ingrediants-line you must have made. This will help keep the omelette warm, even as it helps melt the ingrediants some more. Voila! Your omelette is done. Once the smell drives you out of your mind, eat the omelette. Don't look back, and keep your family members away. You made this fucker for yourself... tell them to make their own. It doesn't matter if the kid is only 3 years old and can't reach the stove, tough luck... better grow up fast if you want a decent omelette. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dec 20 2007 7:20pm from dothebart what about those 4 guys in california loosing their way while searching their perfect xmas-tree? couldn't they afford a navi? or... a RAMBO-Kompass Knife? Didn't they read Hensel and Gretel, and spread some bread crumps to find their way home? Dec 21 2007 1:55am from Animal Or they're just unprepared. Two-way radio, avy beacon, shovel, strobe light, GPS, emergency flares, space blanket, a few extra changes of socks, extra gloves, 18-pc socket set, map/compass, water, lawn thatcher, pneumatic nail gun and a compressor to drive it, etc. I'd rather have tools and not need them than the other way around. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mon May 12 2008 09:22:15 AM EDT from IGnatius T Foobar@uncnsrd > Sorry, corrected. Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Shoulda said Israel. >: ) I vaguely recall something about street fighting on the West side of Bethlehem. But I can't seem to find it in my Bible. I must be remembering it wrong, or mixing it up with something else... << big stupid grin >> May 12 2008 11:21am from Erin @uncnsrd That would be the Book of Charles, where Scanzellizedek pulls out his trusty forks and wastes 100,000 Phillipsburgers with a goat's femur.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------