Naked in Cyberspace

C'mon DJ, don't you know anything. Everything is related. If you go to a German restaurant and order bratwurst with a side order of farvegnugen and yak's breath, not only will they look at you funny, but they'll stuff shmeeps up your nose and try to expose you to the Great American Intergalactic Space Fnords. Then you'll have to listen to Englebert Humperdinck albums over and over, until you learn how to correctly fold your toilet paper. If you're lucky, they'll let you remove Vanna White's eyebrows with an SOS pad. For free. That's where the valuefest part comes in. Most people would pay good money for you to do that. Some smart folks might even videotape it and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. But you'd be lucky, you would. It's what we call the theory of relativity. Everything is related.

This post you're reading now is another example. It seeks to answer questions that get burped up from the backwater and shadowy reaches of the vortex. Sick puppies of the world unite. Is this all it comes down to? How do I go about getting an exorcism? Can I buy a vowel? It's not what you say but how you say it, and how much you're paid to do so.

Logging on boards in the wee hours of the morning is fun. That's when all the horrible chaotic sludge gets belched up into your mind from the Uncertain Areas. They say you use only 10% of your brain. You gotta wonder what's lurking in the 90% that isn't being used. Why not find out? It's easy, and fun.

Y'know, it's really humid tonight. There's a thin coating of slime all over everything I touch. I'm in the basement right now, sitting here in my underwear thinking talk is cheap at 300 baud. That's what I'm stuck with, ya know, because I get too much gibberish and big yawps when I dial in at 1200. Nasty stuff. Anyway, I've got this slime, y'see, and it's just everywhere. There's some really nasty stuff near the garage, though. Residue, all over the floor, from the time my 1980 Plymouth Arrow blew itself up. I haven't gotten around to cleaning it yet, because I never have time to do stupid things that need to be done. What I'd really like to have time for is devoting my life to creating entropy and chaos. I'd like to be High Priest of Latex. That would be fun. I'd like to meet Gobi, Goddess of Upstate New York, because she's really wild. There's a lotta cool people in my letterbox. I'll have to meet them all someday.

It's a shame, you know. Some people are afraid to meet me. Some people and their silly expectations, you know? They called me mad back at the academy. I'll show them though. Them and their simpleminded conformity, snorting yak dung as they spew their bigotry and hatred like great smoldering globs of hell-phlegm. I stopped being prejudiced when I realized you miss out on meeting a lot of really cool people if you have these uninformed ideas about them. I love my ability to annoy the blithering melonheads, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to help them, either. Chaos makes the world go 'round. Fun fun fun.

I haven't eaten in a while. I do some pretty wild things when I'm hungry. Like chaos art. That's wild. Damn it's hot down here. Fuck this. It's 1:25 in the morning. I don't need clothes right now. Hold on a sec.

Ah. Much better. Where was I?

Ah, yes. I was right here, on Uncensored, totally naked. I wonder if you can be arrested for being totally naked in Cyberspace? Fuck it. There's no dress code. That's the nice part about the final frontier, people can't judge you by how you look or what color you are or any other superficial B.S. like that. Of course, that always makes things interesting when you finally get to meet these folks. I mean, you could meet someone in Cyberspace and form an idea that they're, say, a graham cracker. But when you finally meet them offline you stand a chance of being totally blown away because they don't resemble the mental picture you have of them. Or maybe they do. Who knows? I do, yes. But alas, some people never will. Too bad.

Now I'm scratching my bare feet and enjoying every minute of it, as per Wonko's suggestion.

Hmmmmm... this is neat. I should do this more often.

I've been hopping around the local boards since, oh, 1985 I think. The first folks I got to meet were from the now-defunct Melnibonean Council. A partying crowd, they were. We got together for a few drinks at Rockwood. I've met lots of users since then. Most have gone off to college now, though. It was fun back then.

Hell, it still is fun. I love the alternative media. I think one of the neatest things about boards is the generally uncensored opinions you're able to get. Unrestricted, for the most part, with the exception of some boards that won't allow fucking profanity.

Well, it's 1:42. I suppose I'll get some rest now. Tomorrow's my day off. I'll be doing some more hiking and picture taking to prepare for the Celebration of Grunginess. It'll be the cows, man. Scary, too. Lots of sludge and other horrors. It's an adventure though. Latex and good friends. You can't ask for much more than that.

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